One Hoke Over the Line
by Nora Winters
Summary: A dangerously clumsy gang member proves to be too much for the boys.


**One Hoke Over the Line**

A fractured note rent the air. Heads turned in their direction, frowns erupting. Another caterwaul.

The newspaper next to him rustled. "Can't you keep him quiet?" Heyes hissed from behind his paper. He slumped lower on the station bench.

"Me? This was your brilliant idea, genius, you shut him up." The Kid winced as another sour note flayed its unwilling audience.

"Sweeet Besty, uh Bitty, um Betsy, yeah that's it, Sweeeet Betsy from Piiiiiikkkee!" screeched the unrelenting assault.

Gunther Joachim Pearlmutter – commonly called Hoke – was not a budding opera virtuoso. This did not stop him from lambasting his unwilling audience with his tortured rendition of his favorite songs. Of course, the stage was not the only career for which he was unsuited. Outlawing wasn't his forte either. One could almost see the dark cloud of incompetence hovering over him, raining on all who came too close.

Heyes and the Kid exchanged glances and raised their papers in self-defense. "Sweet Jesus, I hope that train is on time," the Kid muttered.

"At least he'll be heading home. I never should have listened to Kyle. What was I thinking?" groaned Heyes and shuddered as Hoke drew breath for another onslaught.

~~~oOo~~~

Hoke had arrived at Devil's Hole three months earlier, having struck up a friendship with Kyle in a town they'd been hurrahing. He was fresh off the farm and more than willing. Heyes developed a fondness for him, although he couldn't explain why.

But, as the gang discovered, to call Hoke clumsy was to call the Grand Canyon a ditch. He had only to haul up a bucket of water from the well for the rope to break, put a pot on the stove for a grease fire to erupt.

In his care, the horses stampeded from the field. It took the gang three days to round them up and repair the fences. He dropped a crate of dynamite in the lake then set the storage shed on fire trying to dry the sticks. With him around, a rock slide broke the track three miles before they were prepared to hold up the train.

But Hoke was always sorry and eager to fix things. He lost cheerfully at poker and could be counted on to laugh at anyone's joke, whether he understood it or not. Nevertheless, the gang began to mutter about jinxes when he wasn't around. Heyes and the Kid watched the situation and worried about what to do.

Eventually, Heyes took Hoke aside, riding out with him on patrol – delayed only by one horse casting a shoe and the provisions inexplicably falling in the stream. "Hoke, my boy," he said, putting an arm around the man as the two stopped to camp. "Why exactly did you join the gang?"

"Well…" Hoke hemmed and hawed. "Mary, sweet Mary wanted me to make something of myself."

"Mary?"

"Sweetest gal you ever hope to meet." Hoke frowned. "But she wouldn't have me. Thought I could do better than sow wrangling."

"Sow wrangling?"

"Yeah. Pa owns the biggest pig farm in the whole county, but he runs it tight and don't let me do much but muck out the pens."

Having seen the destruction Hoke could wreck, Heyes had a sneaking sympathy for his father. Nevertheless, he put that to the side; he had more important issues to deal with – getting rid of Hoke. "I bet you miss her. You know, the outlaw trail ain't real conducive to love."

"Yeah. But I'm here now, wouldn't want to let everyone down," said Hoke.

"They'd get over it."

Hoke sighed, then brightened. "Got a letter from her." He dug a tattered envelope from his envelope. "Course I cain't read it."

"Want me to?"

"That'd be real nice of you, Heyes." He handed over the missive.

Heyes extracted the closely written sheet and pondered it. The penmanship was illegible and she'd crossed her lines to conserve paper. Heyes couldn't even swear it was in English. The ink had blotched in places and run. Finally, he looked up at Hoke. "She misses you, Hoke. Wants you to come home. Says she's sorry."

"Really?"

"Really," Heyes perjured himself. Well, he figured that's what she meant. He was pretty sure some of the blotches were tear stains.

Hoke's gap-toothed smile shone. Then he sighed and frowned. "But, gee, I got responsibilities here. You all been so good to me."

Heyes rolled his eyes. "It'll be hard, but we'll manage without you. None of us would want to stand in the way of true love."

"You sure, Heyes?"

"I'm sure."

"Well, golly, I just don't know."

~~~oOo~~~

The two returned to the Hole, and Hoke thought about returning home to Mary. He worked double-time to help out the gang as much as he could while he decided. The gang began to avoid Hoke. After all, between Wheat's black eye, Charlie's bruised leg where Hoke's horse had kicked him, and the blackened wall behind the stove in the bunk house after Hoke somehow managed to set a pan of biscuits on fire, they weren't sure they'd survive his departure.

The last straw came when Hoke decided to build up the supply of wood for the smoke house. He sharpened the axe and enthusiastically flung the newly sharpened axe over his head prepared to swing at the first log. Somehow, the axe head came loose and launched from the handle, just as the Kid and Heyes walked by. The axe head flew between the Kid's legs, failing to emasculate him by a hair's breath, but sliding down the side of his pants and slitting his left boot.

The Kid stood rooted to the spot, staring incredulously at the axe head lodged in the sole of his boot, its side resting against his ankle. After a moment, his face reddened and he let out a bellow. Heyes took one look at his partner and reacted quickly, slamming his fist into Hoke's mouth. Hoke went down hard, and when he came up, he was spitting blood and bits of teeth.

Heyes stood between Hoke and the Kid his hand on the Kid's, both resting on the Kid's holster. "Now, Kid, calm down. It's just a boot."

"Just a… Just a… Did you see? Do you know how close that came?" the Kid sputtered. Nose to nose with Heyes, he glared, breathing hard. Finally, he drew a deep breath, cursed, and bent to remove the axe from his boot. When he had done so, he stood with it in his hand, weighing it as he glared at Heyes and Hoke. With an exclamation of disgust he dropped the axe head, spun on his heel, and limped to the cabin, the shreds of his boot slapping a counterpoint on the ground with each step.

"Well, golly," Hoke mumbled through the blood in his mouth. "I just don't know what happened there." He started to rise. "I gotta apologize."

Heyes hurried over to him. "No. Let the Kid alone. I figure my hitting you probably saved your life." Heyes signaled to some of the other gang members to help Hoke to the bunkhouse and slowly headed to the cabin, giving the Kid time to calm down before he entered.

~~~oOo~~~

"He's outta here tomorrow."

"Now, Kid, be reasonable…"

"Tomorrow, Heyes, or I'll be the one leavin'."

Heyes watched as the Kid found a strip of leather to wrap around his boot to hold it together. He let out a deep breath. "Fine, but he needs to see the dentist anyway before he takes the train home. So you're coming with us, and you're not killing him."

"Dentist, huh?"

"Yeah, I broke a bunch of his teeth."

The Kid smiled. "Well, maybe that's punishment enough. But why do I need to come?"

"Are you crazy? Do you really think I'm going anywhere alone with Hoke? Without you to watch my back? Why, I'd probably get mauled by a mountain lion in the middle of the street." Heyes flashed his dimples. "Besides you need a new pair of boots."

The Kid rolled his eyes and groaned.

~~~oOo~~~~

The trip to town had been surprisingly uneventful. They had bought Hoke a ticket on the evening express, liquored him up for the ordeal, and delivered him to the dentist. They'd had to stay to help hold Hoke down. When it was over, the three adjourned to the nearest saloon and downed several whiskeys to settle their stomachs.

That had proved their undoing. Hoke had been quiet until they arrived at the station. But once settled on a bench the excitement proved too much. First, he babbled about seeing his sweet Mary and worried about what was taking the train so long. Then, after an exasperated Kid told him one more time to settle down or he'd break the rest of Hoke's teeth, Hoke had lapsed into blissful silence.

Suddenly, he opened his mouth, displaying the full brilliance of his two new gold teeth and began to bray. "Oh, give me a home…" From there he slid into butchering Sweet Betsy from Pike. As all eyes turned to the spectacle, Heyes and Curry hurriedly hid behind newspapers, doing their best to distance themselves from their companion.

As Hoke segued into The Cowboy's Lament, tears streaming down his face, the Kid flung down his paper and stomped over to the counter in the corner. He returned with a steaming cup of coffee. "Drink this." He thrust the cup at Hoke.

As the heat of the coffee hit Hoke's new teeth, he whimpered from the pain. Glancing at the Kid's set jaw; he sighed and finished the coffee. Whether it was the coffee or the pain, Hoke sobered, just as the train pulled in. Heyes and Curry hustled him onto the train and watched it leave.

With sighs of relief, they returned to the bar.

"Think he'll be all right, Heyes?"

"Well if the train don't run off the track, he should do just fine."

"With his luck, the cars'll decouple from the engine in the middle of a buffalo stampede."

"Yeah," Heyes chuckled, "as long as it happens a long way from here."

The two smiled and drank in companionable silence, admiring the Kid's new boots.


End file.
